**All the character names, and situations may or may not be inspired by life, imagination or divine inspiration. All names are chosen from a region allegedly the next superpower as its denizens are known for their superior intellectual powers, as is needed by this entry, understood best in context of what is called a jugaad? The author does’t read the news so doesn’t know what goes on in the world. The author still thinks fondly of Kanchan, he wants on the record.**
- Say Yana thinks Agrim is stupid for hooking up with horny strangers.
- Say Priyanshi thinks what she saw on a dirty website is content that is owned by Agrim. Totally ok with the fact that she loves watching taboo media. Curiosity kills I guess, case in point. Strange how she understands the damage cigarettes can cause the beautiful life she will bring into this world, along with what I am forced to wish for that life like Maleficent, but much less glam. In this day of science and logic, sure dua born from pain you were an actor on causing, whatever kind of dua it is, is irrelevant from meaningless scum of the society. What could have been…
- Say Nish thinks it is ok to spike a drink when offering it to Mridul because he believes Mridul deserves that so Nish can have his way with him. When Mridul acts out, Nish likes to remind him of his place by hitting him on the head.
- Say Moni thinks it is ok to steal private content and post it on a site for Sunil to see. Surely if the content was created by the content owner, then it ok to be stolen – bieng of the belief the fact that such content was created in the first place gives the creator of said content the fallout that comes from Moni’s posting and Sunil’s viewing. Because there is one kind of human, and one kind of life. Let’s fuck the ones who are fucking themselves anyway because what do they know?
- Say Dev likes to record Sonya in action, without her knowing and believes it is ok to share it. If Sonya can do it then according to Dev, Sonya can live with it being recorded, shared and consumed.
Now say all the characters in the above situations know or know of each other with various degrees of relationships. Which means that it is possible that even without being in the specific situation a character might have a view on another character’s reality.
Let’s say Mridul told Agrim that he doesn’t remember what happened to him when he was with Nish but Nish later walked him through how he enjoyed Mridul and admitted to the spiking but without malicious intent. Based on what Agrim’s belief system at the time assuming Agrim’s and Mridul’s understanding was the same, Agrim might:
- Form an opinion that Nish is a dick
- Form an opinion that what Nish did is ok if Mridul was ok
- Decide to turn Nish into the police
- Don’t care about this conversation and forget about it completely
Unless Agrim and Nish have a conversation, the three of them will never share a reality and there will be multiple realities existing in parallel – simply because without shared truths – the unknowns make it hard to have the same reality.
Now lets say Dev happened to record Nish and Mridul in action and shared it with Sonya. Priyanshi sees it on a dirty website.
Now Priyanshi could
- Decide to gossip about it with Agrim.
- Agrim tells her about Nish spiking the drink
- Agrim does not tell her about Nish spiking the drink
- Decide to forget about it.
- Decide to talk to Mridul about it
- Decide to talk to Nish about it
Say Priyanshi gossiped with Agrim and Agrim did tell her about Nish spiking the drink. Priyanshi could then:
- Say that’s hot
- Say that’s shit
- Decide to call the cops
- Decide to talk to Nish
- Decide to do nothing
- Do nothing at the time
Say Priyanshi and Yana meet and Yana gets angry and says ‘lets fuck with Nish – clearly needs to be taken down a peg or two’.
Priyanshi decides to spike Nishu’s drink, throw him in a motel, and that’s it. She wants Nishu to know it is not ok, she doesn’t stand for it. Nish might:
- Wake up scared and think what fuck he did to Mridang
- Wake up and suppress memory
- Not care and call Mridang over to spike his drink again
Priyanshi not wanting to ever go to jail in any reality, she never tells Nishu what she knows or what she did. Because Priyanshi and Nishu didn’t share the truth, it wasn’t guaranteed that Priyanshi’s action had the intended effect. So say Nishu just woke up and suppressed memory. Priyanshi just wouldn’t stand for it though having gone through this herself, or so Priyanshi claims. She doesn’t want to discuss this with Nishu as she also doesn’t want to come across as unsupportive. Her hatred for the action isn’t stronger than her desire to be liked by the majority – because she makes everyone like her. After all, that is what defines her life and gives her life purpose.
So you could see how what was a fairly simple task failed to achieve the expected outcome as Priyansh chose to play God instead of play human. Had she taken a more direct route and told Nish she knew, while it *may* not have worked, but the chances of it working would be much higher. I mean, if you know nothing about Nish except that he values inclusion and honesty, then logic would dictate that an approach where you don’t play God and don’t take away his right to be treated like a human being (despite whatever and whoever be judging/contesting/opining on what is it these days that can classify as a human being). But to each their own and Priyanshi prioritised the lesson over her relationship – I guess hell hath no fury or something. Women maybe are manipulative – clear sarcasm – was only fitting that I try and absorb some normal but objects…
Let’s say Priyanshi keeps at it. She continues to spike Nish’s drink, week after week. She believes she is right so she is above societal rules. Kind of like what she is trying to teach Nish a lesson for. Ironic, wouldn’t you say?
She decides to kick it up a notch because her hatred for the action of spiking is unyielding. She decided to ask Dev for help. Dev now knows what happened as the truths and their mutual understanding was shared.
Long story short, everyone in this hypothetical set-up have their own sense of reality, and unless the truth comes out, no one reality will be the reality.
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Now let’s go with an easier set up to understand. Point is to illustrate how you may not even know you are hurting someone. But to maybe the repeated explains of why this is causing pain and not letting someone live how they want and like as opposed to need to to gain a piece of their life back without which they simply cease to exist are falling on deaf ears. And here I thought only a few women in my life were deaf. And Kevin.
This story is about how Turtle did some real bad stuff in his life. And how those he trusted the most betrayed the trust (which they knew he is very, very precious about because childhood and his mother, Sonu, always warned him people scheme and want to take advantage of you and I don’t know blackmail you or harass you or come after your choices – anything they can – and they will rip you limb for limb and take your food and leave you for dead).
Ironically, this suffocates turtle – the tight hold, for which turtle is grateful, did mean turtle had trust issues and was never really comfortable in a social setting. His mistakes are his, but boy does the mother knows, and quite possible, enjoys scratching until turtle is bloody and bruised and often succeeds (in what could only be termed as vicious) attempts to get under turtle’s skin – torture him so he knows who the mother is in the relationship – the authority of all that the world should be. Indian Mary Poppins I suppose.
[Sidebar: Well, Ru Paul happened so anyone can be a mother now. Why you trying to be *you know who*, who wouldn’t even let us have a shower for more than 2 min or 5 min – before global warming was widely understood. Funny how the mother is absolutely ok treating the son as a second class citizen, when she didn’t like it one bit when she (or other shes, she seems to have a problem for women to like her. Unless she thinks she is superior to them in some way. Like mother like son I guess. ) was (is?) made to feel like she is, well, let’s just say mangolpuri garbage.]
The set up is all brainchild of his out of work dad – Atul. Atul never felt good enough probably because his money minded mother (read stingy AF) didn’t care enough to put efforts into building him as a man any more than the bare minimum effort (money hungry?), father didn’t care for him as he was a rebel, and albeit Atul was (and I for the purposes of this set up, is) charming , he was fairly naive when it comes to matters of business, The fact that he did not feel respected by his wife’s brothers, or ‘that side of the family in general’ probably didn’t help. (Side effect of being forced a choice of life partner I guess. But he seriously married up. Guess knowing that and having it reiterated doesn’t help the insecurity)
He never said the brother’s behaviour bothered him, but it was probably his perception. All in his mind. And boy did Sonu remind him of that. that the wf, but you know every time it could be construed a misdemeanour, heck, even a breath of air which wasn’t breathed in the proper way, he would quite enjoy unleashing with pride and ego (tiny?) how the brothers are not all that and how he could have survived without their help (aehsaan was the word thrown around growing up).
I mean, I can only imagine Atu;’s mother would have helped in that case, but why help your own son when you can emasculate him for life. Not that Sonu’s brothers or her family helped the cause – despite treating him really well by the way – but Atul endured as the man of the house does with all his family’s pesky attributes that he doesn’t agree with. The wife must be controlled and the bigshot who wears the pants was he and he alone, better at family than his father and brother – always the champion of human choice. (Do whatever you want beta because that means I wouldn’t have to listen to your insignifcant, irrelevant problems about a teacher not treating you well. ) But T&C’s were implied (turtle later finds out T&Cs only relate to the faux pride he takes in taking full credit of how good his son’s life his. When that pride goes, back to son fucking!) son who dared to defy his orders. Easily forgetting what a nightmare son he was to his own father. So much so, that Atul’s father, who owned the house, chose Atul’s brother over him.
Because Atul experienced such pain that he cannot even express for his masculinity be hurt even more (and to him, appearances matter. To each their own, no judgement obvs) he (unintetionally perhaps) ended up inflicting such pain must on others.
And we cause our loved ones the most pain, as they say. Strangers we will offer to pick up and drop, but our loved ones, they must suffer. Even when they accept their part and their flaw and their mistake, you must continue to inflict that pain. His father (who actually liked Turtle, because math,adding yet ‘another slap to his male-chauvinistic narrow-minded gay-hating face) is informed that the son is up to no good now that he clearly thinks so much of himself that he is having dirty, self-hurting, humiliating, shameful sex. How dare he? Already Turtle couldn’t help but trigger insecurities that he had from ‘husband’/’provider’ years. I know, fucked up, yes?
But which family is ever simple? Then again, I personally know of no other family who would rather choose to have a zombie for a kid with dead eyes, no ambition and a desire to sit at home like his father ended up doing, with no point of existence. Zombies are entitled to no rights, even those that come with just being another living being I guess in this world? And how very dare Turtle – despite Atul, the few times he did actually say a word to Tutle, telling him that he could choose anything, be anyone as father do, amongst other things that fathers do. [*T&C apply wasn’t explained at the time]. Some parents, eh.
The set up was so simple – just ignore that any problems that Turtle might think he has. In fact, not even let him know that Atul knows what he believes to be his dirty secret, so Turtle must be fucked with. Turtle, happy, or at least trying to be and insulting him, daring him even to assert his MCP dominance, emasculating him further by not listening to any illogical ideas/suggestions/demands/orders/requests he might come up with (so much free time, evil resides in a free mind). This was perfect. Of course his holier-than-thou-outside but in all probability child-abusers-on-the-inside, the-bitiya-on-the-mouth and the-hand-on-the-butt-havas-ke-pujari-kind of friends helped fully. Why waste a prime opportunity to suck the life out of someone who ‘takes it up the ass’ so is a replacement for ‘horny men’s need for a vagina’ – sound like quite a few fun filled months – ‘timepass how else?’
Turtle didn’t stand a chance with how he was raised now, did he? With his life he was choosing to live, after having escaped his roots (shameful) with his several mistakes and his absolute lack of any abilities for his existence isn’t natural per what he was told did he now. With the very human beings torturing him (mentally is so much worse than physically, not that they didn’t enjoy his sleepless, hurting eyes and relish seeing him overcome with such shame and self hatred for doing the things Turtle had to do to fight against the torture, to find if he was really losing it or it was some unfathomable inhuman plot that although he could imagine, he thought that he wouldn’t ever need to.
With day after day demanding, crying out loud for, asking for, requesting for, begging for, staging a suicide for, sitting at one place at 6 hours while 4 men (hired by Atul, Sonu and their little creepy righteous AF perv gang to constantly tell Turtle how he was not worthy of being alive, being human and he must endure total ridicule for his choice to take cock up his ass), only keeping the faith that he will survive this if he was treated like a human with the truth so he could fix himself, and that the life they weren’t choosing to let him escape was only temporary.
Quite something eh for Turtle?
For all of his preaching of self confidence and how his school [repared him for the worst (although when he did let you in the walls he built around him for fear of never really being good enough and a second class citizen, despite trying to treat himself via logic and belief system) and that his teacher’s beliefs in his abilities was a huge part of what made him who he is and he can handle any bullies or life being unfair or just plain shit, for all that he was taught to be as a kid, for all the ‘never taking shit’ he was told is what real men do, Atul and Sonu willingly, deliberately of full sound mind and body (well at least one of them? for Atul learnt pretending to have an injury just works – his brother certainly made very public proclamations to this to whoever would listen so not sure if he was full sound of mind or body at the time).
Guess Sonu, ever so perfect, needed an outlet to process, express and deal with all the suppression she face, and the ordeals (incl poop cleaning her husband for months, with a vehement dislike for other people’s shits, and maybe even her own – must be spotless) – so she, knowing fully well how this will completely destroy Turtle, and even after him using every communication method and style and strategy at his disposal, telling her that he knows, but he would like you to stop and he knows he is wrong – he got the message. But with the pressure of spotlessness I think she quite enjoyed months of just standing idly by when he expressed his suffering in the confines she put on him as part of the genius scheme (and Atul claims he is a menatl patient! Guess pretending is in genes, or drama in context of a non male male). In fact, they decided to up the ante and involve his very straight friends to not make him feel heard, so while technically they didn’t get their hands dirty, they would be helping Turtle’s parents decide his suffering, punishment, life and just everything. And while this would mean Turtle would once again go back to being an object, he would be socially acceptable to them and can at least make a trivial amount of money. Because without his brain, what even is the point of Turtle? Not to add it satisfies Atul’s itch that he never displined his son – what with Sonu’s constant reminders that her brother beats the shit of their sons, and Atul’s sister telling him the same about her kids.
Guess they are fully entitled to treat a human life that they created (per societal obligation I guess, because God forbid they ever express any love for each other or the dog and Turtle. Everything was a contract, you make them look good, you are not fucked with) however they see fit. That the life they brought on is incapable of atonement or carrying the burden of his mistakes knowing he will need to pay up. No, only Atul can carry such a manly burden. Their son, who always comes under the influence of others as is Sonu’s one of the many controlling lines that she has at the ready, including mentioning a new, completely unrelated sickess or illness or pain she is having to go through and she is absolutely right to not go see a doctor, because she has rights and she can make choices and her choice is just that – hers.
Turtle’s childhood was filled with many a nights of him thinking ‘why did they even have me?’ ‘Why are they even together if all they do is fight and nag and make each other feel miserable. I mean for Atul I think having me was an unawareness of condoms as was the trend back in their day, and acase of the horns. But with Sonu’s orthodox religiousness and her pride filled tails of how she was the talk of all of the neighbourhood for being so perfect, probably not on the Sonu’s part. Turtle didn’t even know if Sonu had a friend or was happy or how she did everything the same every day, Sonu was spotted by Turtle to be sad, especially on phone calls he eves dropped on with the heroic brothers, but Turtle doesn’t remember much of her being happy?
Guess misery begets. For all the lack of happiness in Sonu’s entirely dull life which she believes she is happy in, and that’s everything really, but with a lack of happy so prominent, Turtle finds himself wondering if that is all his life will be now. Endless days of a life he does not want, did not choose, with shame of indulging in acts that are as crazy and unbelievable as the whole fucking thing itself – seeing if maybe sweet release of death is the only way this would end. Not a coward but what do alpha males know about feelings, empathy or sympathy. ‘He is actually my daughter, and the dog is my son. And it was my fault when I cried about this. Because I cannot be this sensitive. It is wrong. ‘ with every cry for help, Turtle inevitably remembered this. Atul’s creepy pervy friends over that made him feel uncomfortable. Him saying, as he sure had the right to, that ‘actually, Turtle is like my daughter frankly speaking in a way’ and ‘this dog is like our son only’
And before he inflicts further pain on himself, for struggle he must, entertaintment as he is, fond memories of Sonu’s demeaning and sadist jabs at him having boobs and there being something seriously wrong with him without actually taking him to a doctor because there is just no space in Sonu’s life for a doctor. They scheme, manipulate and take advantage of you. I am strong. You should also be strong, you don;t need to be so sensitive like a girl. I don’t like when my brother gets a chance to make such comments. Fix yourself. ‘ Just be less embarassing’ what Turtle was left with mostly, when he was growing up, hopeful of escaping ‘his own personal’ slum life.
Why go through the trouble of fixing him, feeding him and then break him and tear him down? Turtle could only try and understand basis what he saw of Sonu. Often wondering, can we ever really know someone?
At the moment Turtle is on one of his attempts to go over the solution once again. And the reasons for it. Like Amazon’s customer service, another problem plaguing Turtle’s meaningless existence, Atul and Sonu refuse to budge and give him the piece they took from him. He has, again, not slept for days now. He has taken toxic, body damaging, permanent damage creating chemicals that he, per their sick and twisted rules, must take and think he is braindead, brainless and be subject to further ridicule – but only when he will survive the damage (their trophy he supposes) and then the piece be dangled in front of him like the ass they see him as and want him to be all his life. Honey, Chilli, Drama, actually inflicting pain knowing it is not what he wants to do but they must make him to enjoy at his expense, instilling in him further how ‘not good at all’ he is.
Turtle will fight till he can. And with the fight he had to do for himself to survive the near toxic env he was subjected to as a kid, this will end in a win lose. His parents, rid of the shameful object they created and have no use for, and him, with death because fuck the damage and the state of mind he puts himself per their set up, is scarring AF.
So you can now see how while a setup like this is potentially far fetched and probably stuff that emotionally stunded humans dream of, there is an explain for their actions when you consider their POV- unfortunately for Turtle, that means that he must do the complete opposite until he is told, even as meaningless it could be, he needs to hear that he is loved, he will not be good enough ever but he is better than second class and that all his life has not lead to nothing – something Turtle was painfully honest with those he chose to let in after always doubting if he was being used.
Playing God 